everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
