last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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