Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
