Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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