i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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