I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
