Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
