and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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