Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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