oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
