Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
