i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
