we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
