my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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