Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
