I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
