Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she peed on how many people?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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