My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
