Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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