I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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