I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
