I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
