when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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