Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
