I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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