I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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