You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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