Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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