my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
