Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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