you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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