i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
