I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
