I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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