Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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