Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
