i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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