I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
