my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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