I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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