My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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