I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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