i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
