I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
