I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
