i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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