Only a mothe r could love this liver
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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