i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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