You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
