I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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