Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
