Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize