so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
