Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
