he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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