you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
