So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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