she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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